Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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