yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
