i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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