wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
His hands were made for my vagina.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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