I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
