Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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