i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
