If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
