Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
