A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
