The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
