i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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