I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
