I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
