why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
