Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
