there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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