there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
