Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
