I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
