I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
