I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
