i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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