Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
