Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
please don't ironically join a cult
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