seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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