shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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