I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
