had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
