I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
