I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
