John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
