Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
