He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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