The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
