Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
