maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Never joke about your clitoris.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
