I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
