I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
