you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
