Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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