she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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