I heard we made out
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
