Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
