Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
