my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
