Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
