Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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