This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
