woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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