Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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