Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
