oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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