got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I need to calm my uterus...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
