i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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