I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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