Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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