God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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