I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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