everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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