I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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