Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
