if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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