I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
